Public officials brace for peak November demand as participants attempt to meet word counts.
BOSTON — Town and city water departments across the country have been unsuccessful in their quest to stop WriMos from overusing public resources during long, leisurely novel-plotting showers, news outlets reported this week.
With several regions of the United States suffering from drought conditions exacerbated by excess bathing and a marked increase in coffee consumption, officials in New England are even considering instituting mandatory restrictions.
“We would like novelists to limit their shower usage to one plot twist per day,” said the Boston Water Department in a press release. “If you’re really stuck on how to get your main character out of a deadly situation, running a bath actually uses less water and is likely to produce the same ‘aha moment’ results.”
“But ideally, writers should consider procrastination and thought-generation alternatives like leftover Halloween candy binges, sitting sadly in the corner of a coffee shop staring at a blank screen, or deep-cleaning household items they wouldn’t ordinarily touch with a ten-foot pole.”
WriMos have lashed out at the recommendations, calling them creatively limiting and potentially catastrophic for earning their winner’s badge.
“I do my best thinking in the shower,” complained Harvey Purdue of Allston in a blog post. Purdue typically grabs a towel and scurries over to his laptop while still dripping wet to sketch out his newest ideas before he forgets them.
“It isn’t fair to expect us to act like normal people during NaNoWriMo,” he said. “Admittedly, it’s a stretch at any time of the year, but it really is different during November.”
Local businesses, like Wilson’s Bath Shop in Woburn, MA, are also opposed to the proposed reduction in shower-related thought time. “We always hit our loofah sales quota by the end of the first week of November,” said manager Meghan Boyle. “It’s really good for our employees.”
“And some of the scented shower gels just fly out the door,” she added. “Outer Space Breeze, Triple Berry Mango-Dystopia, and Unrequited Love Triangle seem to be the most popular this time of year. We don’t start selling too much of our Smell of Desperation product line until after Thanksgiving, but the lines wrap around the block when the holiday is over.”
In a statement released by non-profit organization WriMos for a Sustainable Future, spokesperson Cathy Georgio called for compromise. “Just close your eyes and pretend you’re standing under the hot water,” she suggested. “Think about it really hard. You’re a writer, aren’t you? You should be able to use your imagination.”
At the time of publication, neither Purdue nor Georgio had hit their wordcount goals for the day, prompting observers to question whether they had spent too much time procrastinating by drafting statements in response to a non-existent issue for marginally humorous effect.